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I've seen a lot of shark movies, and when I saw the title "Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre" I realized that director Jim Wynorski had hit on one of the most perfect combinations of B-movie genres in history. I, of course, ordered it based on the title alone. That strategy frequently disappoints (e.g. when I found myself afflicted by the truly appalling "Psycho Shark"), but here it was bad movie nirvana. Starring Traci Lords as the tough cop Detective Kendra Patterson and a whole lot of girls who were not primarily hired for their acting abilities (as well as a couple of guys), the film surprisingly has no nudity.
The film features a deliciously hilarious plot: at the opening evil frackers blow up some stuff in a mine in Arkansas; after doing their detonation duties they take their truck across a bog, which is ill-advised, because they have inadvertently opened up the earth to connect the world's aquifers with subterranean prehistoric sharks, which promptly attack them in their truck. There are actually a couple of decent underwater scenes in here, and some of the cinematography in the woods and swamp is better than expected. This transitions to Lords and her partner Adam (Corey Landis) looking for clues to a robbery in the same swamp, but they get more than they bargained for when they stumble on a mangled body and a lunatic babbling about sharks. Meanwhile two other cops are transporting five suspiciously attractive female prisoners to a work site in the swamp where they are going to dig up stumps. The girls in their Daisy Dukes stay hydrated by pouring water all over themselves, but one promptly gets herself eaten by a shark.
While the prisoners are in transit, Honey (Dominique Swain), who does not know how to hold a gun, holds up the prison van with a ludicrously complex plan because she's the girlfriend of one of the prisoners. A melee ensues in which a deputy escapes and gets shot in the process; at one point he knocks Honey out but runs off and doesn't take her gun. He was not the top graduate in his police academy class, obviously, and for all his trouble ends up getting eaten by a shark in a sewer. (A sewer? In a swamp? Oh, never mind.)
Honey takes the girls and the one surviving cop to a hideout in the woods, and in a completely random subplot, discovers a first edition copy of Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" to read. (Seriously movie?) Honey and her girlfriend retire to their literary pursuits while the other three girls take a soak in the hot tub and decide they want out of this jailbreak. Before you can say "Carcharodon carcharias" sharks burrow through the dirt with their armored snouts to eat another girl. They all go into the woods to investigate ("That was no wood chipper!") After making a meal of peaches and beans (they really mix peaches and chili, which made me queasier than any of the sharks gnawing on flesh scenes), two geologists who are in the woods to monitor the fracking show up at the vinyl-sided outlaw cabin. They reveal...hold on to your seat...that the frackers have unleashed the Sharkasaurus! No, really! It's millions of years old and has lived under the Earth's crust for millennia and is equally predatory in water and on land. As you might have guessed, this means they are all now trapped in the house with sharks burrowing all over the yard.
Conveniently for their predicament, they find a heap of machine guns and ammo in the kitchen cabinet while inmate Shannon (Amy Holt) and junior geologist John (Oscar DeRosa) go for a romantic stroll in the woods. Ponder that. Meanwhile, the surviving guard, Carl (John Callahan, who turns in by far the best performance in the film), has wrestled control of the group from Honey with Michelle (Christine Nguyen) as his right-hand woman. They agree to band together and end the hostage scenario and arm everyone to the teeth. It turns out it's the start of the annual shark swarm, a kind of spring break for sharks, and 1,000 sharks are on their way to the cabin. They use an astonishing decoy to get out of the house and into a cave because sharks can't burrow through rock, but there are causalities. This leads to them wandering around in the cave and hearing the sharks talk to themselves like whales. It also leads to the wonderful line "If I didn't know better, I'd think we just had an encounter with a land shark!"
As the cast gets progressively thinned the two good guys (Lords and her partner) find an app on their tablet that finds sharks in caves. The stirring conclusion involves extensive use of a rubber dinghy, a totally psychotic episode of gunfire with unexpected results, many fewer cast members, and a particularly enjoyable shark feeding frenzy. I'm not going to tell you how many people survive, but I will say that justice is done, and while you might not be surprised, you will be amused. The DVD includes a commentary, photo gallery, and trailer.
It's pretty obvious that "Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre" isn't a good movie, but it works well as an enjoyable B-movie because it has a ludicrously outlandish premise and plot and the characters play it absolutely straight. This is clearly meant to gently poke other (better) movies, spoofing many tropes from a various sources, but the complete absurdity of it with the straitlaced cast makes this one of the more enjoyable B-movies I have seen in a while, especially in the shark subgenre. If you like cheesy movies, this is an eye-rolling feast of the senses.
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